“- Sonny Koufax: I got some interesting news.
- Lenny Koufax: Oh yeah, what?
- Sonny Koufax: I kind of adopted a kid.
- Lenny Koufax: What the hell are you talking about?
- Sonny Koufax: I'm talking about you being a grandfather! Congratulations!”
Adam Sandler - Sonny Koufax
Joseph Bologna - Lenny Koufax

“- Christof: In competition with five other unwanted pregnancies, the casting of a show determined by an airdate, Truman was the one who arrived on cue.
- Mike Michaelson: Incidentally, I believe Truman is the first child to have been legally adopted by a corporation?
- Christof: That's correct.”

Ed Harris - Christof
Harry Shearer - Mike Michaelson

They said we had to wait five years for a healthy white baby. I said, "healthy white baby? Five years? What else you got?". Said they got two Koreans and a negra born with his heart on the outside. It's a crazy world.
Sam McMurray - Glen

“- Mickey Meyer: That's it! I'm never doing it, nobody's touching mine!
- Barbara: Don't you want to have a baby?
- Mickey Meyer: I'll buy one.”
Ben Terzulli - Mickey Meyer
Sarah Joy Stevenson - Barbara

“- Stan Bobrucz: Why don't we just keep it.
- Mr. Bobrucz: Grow up! You had a gerbil last year, you forgot to feed it, it died. This baby is going up for adoption, period.
- Donna Elliot: No. Darcy is not going to lug this baby around for nine months and get stretch marks so you could give it up to Catholic charities.”
Randall Batinkoff - Stan Bobrucz
Kenneth Mars - Mr. Bobrucz
Miriam Flynn - Donna Elliot