“- John Bender: You get along with your parents?
- Andrew Clark: Well, if I say yes I'm an idiot, right?
- John Bender: You're an idiot anyway. But if you say you get along with your parents, well, you're a liar too.”
Judd Nelson - John Bender
Emilio Estevez - Andrew Clark

“My dad always drives my mum, so that means I gotta ride you!”
Glenndon Chatman - Young Quincy

“- Grandfather Disguisey: When you were on the roof, did you hear something like this?
[Slaps Pistachio]
- Pistachio Disguisey: Yes exactly that! But without the pain on my face. We have a clue!”
Harold Gould - Grandfather Disguisey
Dana Carvey - Pistachio Disguisey

“- Jeff: Hi, I’m Jeff... I have a bush too. It's not grey.
- Alex: Hey!
- Jeff: What?
- Alex: My bush isn't really grey.
- Jeff: Well, not according to my mom.”
Nick Swardson - Jeff
Allen Covert - Alex

“- Freddy Nefler: You'll be much less neurotic if your parents are happily divorced, rather than unhappily married.
- Phyllis Nefler: Thank you, Phil Donahue.
- Freddy Nefler: I saw it on Oprah!”
Craig T. Nelson - Freddy Nefler
Shelley Lee Long - Phyllis Nefler