“I came up with a new game-showidea recently. It's called The Old Game. You got three old guys with loaded guns onstage. They look back at their lives, see who they were, what they accomplished, how close they came to realizing their dreams. The winner is the one who doesn't blow his brains out. He gets a refrigerator.”
Sam Rockwell - Chuck Barris

“- Texas Man: Am I going too fast for ya?
- Pistachio Disguisey: Am I going to fast for ya?
- Texas Wife: Are you mocking my husband?
- Pistachio Disguisey: Are you mocking my husband?
- Texas Wife: ‘Cuz you better not be.
- Pistachio Disguisey: ‘Cuz you better not be.”
Robert Machray - Texas Man
Dana Carvey - Pistachio Disguisey
Rachel Lederman - Texas Wife

“Pass, shoot, score!”
Chris Koch - Mark Pavelich

“- Margaret Wade: You guys are the boring ones. There's lots to do.
- Dennis Mitchell: Oh, really? Like what?
- Margaret Wade: We could practice singing songs. Or put on a play, or a puppet show.
- Joey: We could bury you alive.
- Margaret Wade: I could pound your face.”
Amy Sakasitz - Margaret Wade
Mason Gamble - Dennis Mitchell
Kellen Hathaway - Joey

“Gentleman, you know the ground rules. So shake hands and let's have a good, clean ballgame.”
Michael A. Lynch - Chief Umpire