“My name is Leon Phelps, and to those of you that are uninitiated, I am an expert in the ways of love. I have made love to many fine ladies from the lowliest bus station skank to the classiest most sophisticated, educated, debutant, high society... bus station skank.”
Tim Meadows - Leon Phelps

“Yeah, I know what you mean, yeah! Uh, might I suggest that you try lowering your standards, you know? Because, really, we all would like to date a supermodel, or a fine lady, like, uh, Delta Burke. You know? But, uh, that may not always be possible, and that is why God invented the skank.”

Tim Meadows - Leon Phelps

“- Meredith Blake: Have you seen your father?
- Hallie: You talking to me?
- Meredith Blake: Who are you, Robert De Niro? Yes, I am talking to you.”

Elaine Hendrix - Meredith Blake
Lindsay Lohan - Hallie Parker

“Iris? Oh yeah, she's a big conquest. She's given more rides than Greyhound!”

Amanda Peterson - Cindy Mancini

“- Ronald Miller: I'm going to a party. John Richmond's, with Cindy Mancini.
- Chuckie Miller: Cindy Mancini? Senior, captain of the cheerleaders, most beautiful girl in the history of this county?
- Ronald Miller: That's her. Well, I'm late, gotta bolt.
- Chuckie Miller: Bolt? Something stinks in suburbia.”
Patrick Dempsey - Ronald Miller
Seth Green - Chuckie Miller