“- Neal Page: He says we're going the wrong way...
- Del Griffith: Oh, he's drunk. How would he know where we're going?”

Steve Martin - Neal Page
John Candy - Del Griffith

“- Gwen Cummings: You don't honestly think I'm going to jail, do you?
- Cornell: No? For driving drunk, crashing into a house, knocking over a lawn jockey that could have been a four-year-old child?
- Gwen Cummings: Yeah, but it wasn't, it was a four-year-old lawn jockey.”
Sandra Bullock - Gwen Cummings
Steve Buscemi - Cornell

“Oh, I'm in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don't have to listen to myself. I'm drunk.”
Dan Castellaneta - Homer Simpson

“- Jeff Dunham: Bubba J., when you go to a NASCAR race and you party a lot, who is your designated driver?
- Bubba J.: What the fuck is that?
- Jeff Dunham: Do you drive drunk?
- Bubba J.: No, officer! I'm practicing.”
Jeff Dunham - Himself
Jeff Dunham - Bubba J.

“- Policeman: Your friend is blind?
- Will Sly: More or less, yeah.
- Policeman: Then why the hell is he driving?
- Will Sly: 'Cause he's the only one who's sober!”
Angus MacInnes - Policeman
R.H. Thomson - Will Sly