“- Dr. Bronson: I'm afraid I have some bad news. Your boy is very sick. He's lost a massive amount of blood, and his pulse and retinal response are poor, and as you can see there's an axe sticking out of his head.
- Big Chuck: He's not sick, you idiot, he's dead!
- Dr. Bronson: Oh, everybody's a doctor. You think maybe I could make the diagnosis?”
Austin Pendleton - Dr. Bronson
Paul Dooley - Big Chuck

“- Tiny Patient: Say, doctor, do you really think I'm gonna get better?
- Dr. Moe Howard: I'm very sorry, but I'm afraid you are.”
"Little Billy" Rhodes - Tiny Patient
Moe Howard - Dr. Moe Howard

“- Whitmore: The doctor seems reluctant to discuss his medical experiences.
- Dr. Hackenbush: Medically, my experiences have been most unexciting. Except during the flu epidemic.
- Whitmore: What happened?
- Dr. Hackenbush: I got the flu.”
Leonard Ceeley - Whitmore
Groucho Marx - Dr. Hackenbush

“- Aurora Greenway: How is she?
- Dr. Maise: I tell people to hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
- Aurora Greenway: And they let you get away with that?”

Shirley MacLaine - Aurora Greenway
Paul Menzel - Dr. Maise

“- Ethel Carter: Watch your language. And you watch your heart, too. You know what Dr. Springer said.
- Big Bob Carter: Well, Dr. Springer can take his stethoscope and shove it... into his little black bag. Sideways.”
Virginia Vincent - Ethel Carter
Russ Grieve - Big Bob Carter