“- Joe Grasso: What do you think would happen if I got him a professional... you know...
- Bill Maplewood: A professional?
- Joe Grasso: Hooker. You know, the kind that can teach things... first-timers, you know... break him in.
- Bill Maplewood: But Joe, he's 11.
- Joe Grasso: You're right, you're right. It's too late.”
Dan Moran - Joe Grasso
Dylan Baker - Bill Maplewood

“- Joan: Sex is something men and women do to make a baby.
- Kid #3: Are you a virgin?
- Joan: No.
- Kid #3: Do you have a baby?
- Joan: No. People who don't want babies also have sex.
- Kid #3: What for?
- Joan: For about 10 or 15 minutes.”
Elizabeth Perkins - Joan
Heath Wagerman - Kid #3

“- Doug Bigelow: Roger, you were underwater in that Jacuzzi for five straight minutes.
- Roger Mortis: That's right, I was.
- Doug Bigelow: Can you teach my girlfriend how to do that?”
Joe Piscopo - Doug Bigelow
Treat Williams - Roger Mortis

“I mean, if I knew any thing about love, I would be out there making it, instead of sitting in here talking to you guys.”
Christian Slater - Mark Hunter

“It's a man's duty to instruct a woman in all subjects.”
Dennis Morgan - Wyn Strafford