“- James Bond: You are miss...?
- Dr. Christmas Jones: Doctor Jones. Christmas Jones, and don't tell me any jokes, I've heard them all.
- James Bond: I don't know any doctor jokes.”
Pierce Brosnan - James Bond
Denise Richards - Dr. Christmas Jones

“- Buddy Kupfer: Conal Cochran, the all time genius in the practical jokes. He invented sticky toilet paper.
- Daniel Challis: Ah!
- Buddy Kupfer: Oh you must know. The dead dwarf gag, the soft chainsaw, all his.”
Ralph Strait - Buddy Kupfer
Tom Atkins - Daniel Challis

“- Eddie: No problem, fellas. It ain't a hole. It's a tunnel. And what's every tunnel got?
- Norby: Ooh! Don't tell me! I know, I know, I know. It's uh…
- Veeko: Tollbooth at the end.
- Eddie: Are you always this stupid, or do you do this just to annoy me?”
Joe Mantegna - Eddie
Joe Pantoliano - Norby
Brian Haley - Veeko

“- Harriet Miller: How are we supposed to know what's going on?
- Rodney Miller: It's all Greek to me.”
Fiona Reid - Harriet Miller
Bruce Gray - Rodney Miller

“- Mike: Come on, let's go, I'm giving a pop quiz and I can't wait to hear the groans!
- Ian Miller: Wow! You're mean! I give a test on Hamlet but I give fair warning!”
Ian Gomez - Mike
John Corbett - Ian Miller