“- Tony Carlson: Gloria, just sit back and enjoy the fire. I'm pouring you a nice, warm, albino Martini. Here you go, drink this, then it's off to bed.
- Gloria Mundy: You should have been a doctor.
- Tony Carlson: Okay, we'll play whatever you like.”
Chevy Chase - Tony Carlson
Goldie Hawn - Gloria Mundy

“- Fireman: You know, it's against the law to burn anything except trash in your yard.
- Bernadine Harris: [flicks off ashes from her cigarette] It is trash.”
Graham Galloway - Fireman
Bernadine Harris - Bernadine Harris

“- John Gustafson: I'm cold.
- Max Goldman: Here's some matches. Set yourself on fire.”
Jack Lemmon - John Gustafson
Walter Matthau - Max Goldman

“- Inga: Where did you get all these scars?
- Luke: Well, let's see. Skateboard... Truck accident... Fire hydrant.
- Inga: I bet each one has its own exciting story, no?
- Luke: No, not really. I skateboarded off of a truck into a fire hydrant.”
Victoria Silvstedt - Inga
Zach Galifianakis - Luke

“- Richard D. Winters: Harry, fire's not a good idea.
- Harry F. Welsh: Just a couple of minutes. We're in a dell.
- Richard D. Winters: A dell? Like where fairies and gnomes live?”
Richard D. Winters - Himself
Rick Warden - Harry F. Welsh