“- Olsen: Doctor, were you interested in science as a child?
- Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: I don't know if I was interested so much in the science as I was in the slime that goes along with it. Snakes and frogs. When I saw how slimy the human brain was, I knew that's what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.”
Francis X. McCarthy - Olsen
Steve Martin - Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr

“- Nacho: I'm not listening to you! You only believe in science. That's probably why we never win!
- Esqueleto: We never win because you are fat!”

Jack Black - Nacho
Héctor Jiménez - Esqueleto

“- Michael 'Mike' Williams: What are some of your favorite things to do?
- Heather Donahue: Well, on Sundays I used to like to go hiking, but now...”
Michael 'Mike' Williams - Himself
Heather Donahue - Herself

“- Coulmier: But why must you indulge in his pornography?
- Madeleine: It's a hard days' wages slaving away for madmen, what I've seen in life - it takes a lot to hold my interest.”
Joaquin Phoenix - Coulmier
Kate Winslet - Madeleine

“- Jenny Lerner: I want exclusivity.
- President Beck: Now listen, young lady. This is a presidential favour. I'm letting you go because I don't want another headache. And I'm trusting you because I know what this can do for your career. Now, it may seem like we have each other over the same barrel but it just seems that way.”

Téa Leoni - Jenny Lerner
Morgan Freeman - President Beck