“- Val Goldman: Uh, Dad, could we maybe hire a straight maid for this evening?
- Armand Goldman: There are no straight maids in South Beach.”
Dan Futterman - Val Goldman
Robin Williams - Armand Goldman

“- Bernadette: We've only recently discovered that young Anthony here, bats for both teams.
- Mitzi: I do not!
- Felicia: Oh, so we're straight?
- Mitzi: No.
- Felicia: Oh, we're not. So we're a donut puncher, after all?
- Mitzi: No.
- Felicia: Then what the hell are we?
- Mitzi: I don't fuckin' know.”
Terence Stamp - Bernadette
Hugo Weaving - Mitzi
Guy Pearce - Felicia

“Fucking females is for poofs.”
Jason Flemyng - Crazy Larry

“- Harry Lockhart: Still gay?
- Gay Perry: Me? No. I'm knee-deep in pussy. I just like the name so much, I can't get rid of it.”
Robert Downey Jr. - Harry Lockhart
Val Kilmer - Gay Perry

“- Honey Whitlock: Rodney, why do you have to hurt me? Gay men are supposed to be gentle!
- Rodney: That's just it, Honey, I'm not gay. I'm straight and I fucking hate it! Petey loves me and I can't love him back. I tried. I kiss him, and all I feel is whiskers. I can't take that certain thickness in his pants. I'm ashamed of my heterosexuality!”
Melanie Griffith - Honey Whitlock
Jack Noseworthy - Rodney