“- Ace Hunter: There are reasons for everything we do, Major.
- Zara: Do they include leaving your guests to bake in the middle of the desert, greeted by a cowboy, and be attacked by wild creatures?
- Ace Hunter: If it's a comfortable tour you're looking for, I have connections... at DisneyLand!”
Barry Bostwick - Ace Hunter
Persis Khambatta - Zara

“- Nick Spitz: We travel. I took you to the Poconos that time.
- Audrey Spitz: That was... That was for a funeral, Nick.
- Nick Spitz: How about, uh, when we went to Virginia when my uncle was in a hospice and we got to see him die? We did that.”
Adam Sandler - Nick Spitz
Jennifer Aniston - Audrey Spitz

“- Harold Lee: In less than eight hours we're gonna be in Amsterdam. This is nuts. This is nuts!
- Kumar Patel: I know, dude. It's gonna be exactly like Eurotrip only it's not going to suck. It's going to be awesome.”
John Cho - Harold Lee
Kal Penn - Kumar Patel

“- Rick Leland: You certainly are a girl of many colors. First, your legs get blue. Then, your face turns green. And, now, your red all over.
- Alberta Marlow: I never knew what suffering was until I came on this pleasure trip.”
Humphrey Bogart - Rick Leland
Mary Astor - Alberta Marlow

“When I was a kid, I used to dream about going someplace on a ship. Well, here I am!”

Robert Mitchum - Bob Gray