“- Harry Dunne: I hate when women do that. She wanted to see you again! And now no? Now... wait a minute! Wait! She must have meant ten o' clock at night!
- Lloyd Christmas: Do you think?
- Harry Dunne: Why would she have you meet her in a bar at ten in the morning?
- Lloyd Christmas: I just figured she was a raging alcoholic.”

Jeff Daniels - Harry Dunne
Jim Carrey - Lloyd Christmas

“Is your momdating an undertaker?”

Heather Matarazzo - Lilly Moscovitz

It started out fine, she's a very nice person, and we're sitting and we're talking at this Ethiopian restaurant that she wanted to go to. And I was making jokes, you know like, "hey I didn't know that they had food in Ethiopia? This will be a quickmeal. I'll order two empty plates and we can leave". Yeah, nothing from her not even a smile.

Billy Crystal - Harry Burns

- Sam Baldwin: What is "tiramisu"?
- Jay: You'll find out.
- Sam Baldwin: Well, what is it?
- Jay: You'll see!
- Sam Baldwin: Some woman is gonna want me to do it to her and I'm not gonna know what it is!

Tom Hanks - Sam Baldwin
Rob Reiner - Jay

“We've got a blind date with destiny... and it looks like she's ordered the lobster.”
William H. Macy - Shoveler