“Two thousand years ago we worshiped them as gods. Three hundred years ago we burned them at the stake, as witches. Now we treat them with drugs... and therapy.”

Richard Stephen Dreyfuss - Dr. Jake Rainer

“Listen. I don't care what you say. Chlamydia is a soup. It's my opinion. I can have that if I'd like. You don't have to argue. I've seen it on the grocery store shelf. Don't argue with me about it. I don't care if you are a doctor.”
Tim meadows - Leon Phelps

“I'm having a herpes outbreak, right now - but you'd never know it. Thanks, Herpocol!”
Steve Coogan - Dana Marschz

“- Val: how's your health?
- Hirsch: Well, they took something out of me a couple of months ago.
- Val: What'd they take out?
- Hirsch: I don't know. I didn't ask, it's none of my business. But I'm a little more streamlined now, a little more aerodynamic.”
Al Pacino - Val
Alan Arkin - Hirsch

“- Pepi Katona: I would say it's a nervousbreakdown. What do you think?
- Doctor: It appears to be an acute epileptoid manifestation and a pan phobic melancholiac with indication of a neurasthenia cordus.
- Pepi Katona: Is that more expensive than a nervousbreakdown?”

William Tracy - Pepi Katona
Edwin Maxwell - Doctor