- Russ: Tell us what happened, man! Blow by beautiful blow! Did you undress her slowly? Like first, revealing big lucious "magoombas"?
- Jamie: Did she have any tattoos or scars or anything?
- Mark Kendall: I told you I don't remember! If you guys are so interested in my sexual failures, why don't you go have a few of your own?
Skip Lackey - Russ
Thomas Ballatore - Jamie
Jim Carrey - Mark Kendall

“- Susan Charles: When he fails... he's intolerable.
- Childress: How is he performing in bed?
- Susan Charles: Robin wants to please me. That's the main thing, isn't it? He needs a rest. No more tests for at least a month.
- Childress: Sorry.”
Fiona Lewis - Susan Charles
John Cassavetes - Childress

“You're the most deceitful, horrible, sinful creature I ever saw, and I don't ever want to have anything to do with you again.”

Judy Garland - Esther Smith

“Lies, deceit, mixed messages... this is turning into a real marriage.”

John Travolta - Castor Troy

“Kaufman send you to kill me? Takes a true friend to stab you right in the front, doesn't it?”

John Leguizamo - Cholo