“- Jelly: I'm gonna get a bite to eat. You wanna sandwich or somethin'?
- Miami Hall Guard: What kind of sandwich ain't too fattening?
- Jelly: A half a sandwich.”
Joe Viterelli - Jelly
Dave Corey - Miami Hall Guard

“- Julia: The best hot dogs in Judgement City are supposed to be over by the Hall of Records.
- Daniel Miller: You really love this eating thing, don't you?
- Julia: To be able to eat as much as you want, never gain an ounce and feel great. Please.”
Meryl Streep - Julia
Albert Brooks - Daniel Miller

“- Jill: We don't want you to lose weight, we just want you to be healthy. Y'know, by eating less.
- Alison Scott: Ok.
- Jill: We would just like it if you go home and step on the scale, and write down how much you weigh, and subtract it by like, 20.
- Alison Scott: 20.
- Jill: And then weigh that much.”
Kristen Wiig - Jill
Katherine Heigl - Alison Scott

“- Det. Karl Francis Hettinger: You feel like another piece?
- Det. Ian James Campbell: Nah, I just got my weight below 200.
- Det. Karl Francis Hettinger: At least you're tall enough to carry it. Married life's making me feel like an avocado with feet.”

John Savage - Det. Karl Francis Hettinger
Ted Danson - Det. Ian James Campbell

“- Dora Diamond: You have a girlfriend?
- Paul Tannek: Ex-girlfriend. We dated in high school.
- Dora Diamond: Do you still see her?
- Paul Tannek: No. She lost some weight over the summer, so she's dating a lot more now. You know how it goes.”
Mena Suvari - Dora Diamond
Jason Biggs - Paul Tannek