“- Doctor: Your testicles have grown to the size of Florida oranges.
- Maxxx Orbison: Don't you think I notice that? Tell me something I don't know, you cocky prick!
- Doctor: I am going to have to amputate your pee pee.”
Lloyd Kaufman - Doctor
Michael Dean Jacobs - Maxxx Orbison

“- Dr. Seward: Count Dracula, allow me to introduce Professor Abraham Van Helsing of London University. He's a doctor of rare diseases as well as theology and philosophy.
- Professor Van Helsing: And gynaecology.
- Dr. Seward: Oh, I didn't know you had your hand in that, too.”
Harvey Korman - Dr. Seward
Mel Brooks - Abraham Van Helsing

“- Gloria Russell: Bill, I need you to examine her.
- Bill Burton: I'm no gynecologist.
- Gloria Russell: I just made you one!
- Bill Burton: Oh, Christ...”
Judy Davis - Gloria Russell
Scott Glenn - Bill Burton

“- Val: Are you a real doctor?
- Doctor: Are you a real patient? Is that a real penis?”
Al Pacino - Val
Brandon Scott - Doctor

“- Raymond Blossom: You think I'm criminal?
- Dr. Eugene Sands: I think you're about as much of a criminal as I'm a doctor.
- Raymond Blossom: And you're a very good doctor.”
Timothy Hutton - Raymond Blossom
David Duchovny - Dr. Eugene Sands