- Lloyd Christmas: My friend Harry and I are saving up to open our own pet store.
- Mary Swanson: That's nice.
- Lloyd Christmas: I got worms!
- Mary Swanson: I beg your pardon?
- Lloyd Christmas: That's what we're gonna call it. "I Got Worms"! We're gonna specialize in selling worm farms. You know, like ant farms.
Jim Carrey - Lloyd Christmas
Lauren Holly - Mary Swanson

- Skeeter Bronson: Why do you call him "Bugsy?".
- Patrick: Because of his eyes.
- Skeeter Bronson: Well let's see his eyes. [sees Bugsy's huge eyes and screams] Wow! Those eyes would be big on a cow!

Adam Sandler - Skeeter Bronson
Jonathan Morgan Heit - Patrick

“You know, I know another little boy who has a horse. His name's Edward. The boy, not the horse.”
Jennifer Lopez - Catharine Deane

“You named your dog after a shoe?”

Giovonnie Samuels - Kirresha

“It was a pet, not an animal. It had a name, you don't eat things with names, this is horrific!”

Peter Riegert - Mac