“- Ernest: This is great! This is just like that John Wayne movie when he and Sundance were in Bulgaria.
- Abner: Bolivia. They were in Bolivia. Wait a minute... they were killed in Bolivia.
- Ernest: Well, maybe they should've stayed in Bulgaria.”
Jim Varney - Ernest
Ron James - Abner

“- Old Fart Rancher: I thought about leavin' town. Had a brother in law who did. He was just about your age. He went out to California, too. You sure remind me of him.
- Keller Coleman: Yeah? I'll look him up.
- Old Fart Rancher: He died a few years back. Murdered. In prison.”
Tennessee - Old Fart Rancher
Breckin Meyer - Keller Coleman

“At your age, you're going to have a lot of urges. You're going to want to take off your clothes, and touch each other. But if you do touch each other, you will get chlamydia... and die.”
Dwayne Hill - Coach Carr

“Being young is sometimes less fun than being dead.”
Christian Slater - Mark Hunter

“- Vincent: You never seen Abbott and Costello?
- Oliver: No, sir. Are they old?
- Vincent: No. They're dead. That's the oldest you can be.
- Oliver: Or the youngest. Time freezes when you're dead.”
Bill Murray - Vincent
Jaeden Lieberher - Oliver