- Andrew Martin: What a piece of fecal matter.
- Rupert Burns: Shit.
- Andrew Martin: Excuse me?
- Rupert Burns: What a piece of shit.
- Andrew Martin: I know that.
- Rupert Burns: No, that's what you say when you're frustrated. You say: "piece of shit”.
- Andrew Martin: "Piece of shit"?
- Rupert Burns: Yes, but with feeling.
Robin Williams - Andrew Martin
Oliver Platt - Rupert Burns

“- Gracie: Oh God! Felix, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but...
- Felix: Honey, you are the only person in my whole life who has never hurt my feelings.
- Gracie: ...you're a loser.”
Juliette Lewis - Gracie
Anthony LaPaglia - Felix

“There's a name for you ladies, but it isn't used in high society... outside of a kennel.”
Joan Crawford - Crystal Allen

“Who turns you into a vain, cheap, worldly fool? Linton does. You'll never love him, but you'll let yourself be loved because it pleases your stupid, greedy vanity.”

Laurence Olivier - Heathcliff

“- The Great Edgar: I've got a good mind to...
- Charlie: Why don't you use it?”
Edgar Bergen - The Great Edgar
Charlie McCarthy - Charlie