“- Rusty Griswold: Ya' got Asteroids?
- Cousin Dale: Naw, but my dad does. Can't even sit on the toilet some days.”
Anthony Michael Hall - Rusty Griswold
John P. Navin Jr. - Cousin Dale

“What is that ringing? Do I have a tumor?”

Peter Dante - Dante

“Life's a tradeoff. It's finally legal to smokedope, but you got to have cancer.”
Susan Sarandon - Jackie Harrison

“Metamucil. It helps you go to the toilet. If you don't use it, you get cancer and die.”
J. T. Walsh - Drucker

“It's good for my skin. You know if you do enough of that stuff over a very short period of time, you get, like, these canker sores on your tongue.”

Bill Pullman - Daryl Zero