“- Scott Calvin: You know, you look pretty good for your age.
- Elf-Judy: Thanks, but I'm seeing someone in wrapping.”
Tim Allen - Scott Calvin
Paige Tamada - Elf-Judy

“- Scott Calvin: Hey, kid, kid... who's in charge here?
- Elf-Larry: You are, and I'm not a kid, I have pointy shoes that are older than you... I'm an elf.”
Tim Allen - Scott Calvin
Joshua Satok - Elf-Larry

“What if I told you insane was working fifty hours a week in some office for fifty years... at the end of which they tell you to piss off? Ending up in some retirement village... hoping to die before suffering the indignity of trying to make it to the toilet on time. Wouldn't you consider that to be insane?”
Steve Buscemi - Garland 'The Marietta Mangler' Greene

“I'm 60 years old, Gene. What are you going to do: write me a recommendation for the morgue?”
Richard Stephen Dreyfuss - Glenn Holland

“I've never seen a dead body before. I saw my grandmother of course, but I don't think that counts. I mean, she was alive at the time.”
Christopher Eccleston - David Stephens