“- Roy O'Dell: Time for desperate measures. What about my daughter?
- Jimmie Shannon: Absolutely not!
- Roy O'Dell: Why not? She's not good enough for you?
- Jimmie Shannon: She's fifteen!
- Roy O'Dell: Well, it's pretty late in the game for you to be Mr. Choosy.”
Hal Holbrook - Roy O'Dell
Chris O'Donnell - Jimmie Shannon

“- Peevy: You got a good thing goin' on with that girl, Clifford. And I'm tellin' you right now, if she flies the coop, it's gonna be your fault.
- Cliff: What do you know about women, Peev? You haven't had a date since 1932.
- Peevy: Flora Maxwell. There wasn't any point datin' nobody after her.”

Alan Arkin - Peevy
Billy Campbell - Cliff

“- Jane Spencer: I feel like such a fool. I should have never doubted you.
- Lt. Frank Drebin: There, there. You had no way of knowing the man you were dating was a vicious, murdering sociopath.”
Priscilla Presley - Jane Spencer
Leslie William Nielsen - Frank Drebin

“- Lauren: I'm going out. I'm dating. I'm having fun.
- Trish: You date but you're not taking it seriously.”
Reese Witherspoon - Lauren
Chelsea Handler - Trish

- Deanne McKenzie: How about I take you out for a date night every Thursday?
- Kurt McKenzie: Well, Thursday night is "Grey's Anatomy", but any other night would be great.
Maya Rudolph - Deanne McKenzie
Chris Rock - Kurt McKenzie