“- Lieutenant Stanislav Sobinski: I hope you'll forgive me if I acted a little clumsy, but this is the first time I ever met an actress.
- Maria Tura: Lieutenant, this is the first time I've ever met a man who could drop three tons of dynamite in two minutes.”
Robert Stack - Lieutenant Stanislav Sobinski
Carole Lombard - Maria Tura

“- Jeff: Hi, I’m Jeff... I have a bush too. It's not grey.
- Alex: Hey!
- Jeff: What?
- Alex: My bush isn't really grey.
- Jeff: Well, not according to my mom.”
Nick Swardson - Jeff
Allen Covert - Alex

“Honestly, darling, I'm so embarrassed. I mean to serve salmon with botulism at a dinner party is social death.”
Eric Idle - Angela

“We end up looking like a monkey fucking a football out there.”
Randy Quaid - Tim Daland

“- Female Highway Patrol Officer: Looks like we found something.
- Big John: What's that?
- Female Highway Patrol Officer: A concealed weapon.”

Leilani Sarelle - Female Highway Patrol Officer
Fred Thompson - Big John