“- Finch: I am not touching that!
- Jim Levenstein: Put that thing away, Stifler.
- Stifler: What's wrong with you guys? We almost had them. Why can't you guys be team players, huh? I was the one doing all the sacrificing.”

Eddie Kaye Thomas - Finch
Jason Biggs - Jim Levenstein
Seann William Scott - Stifler

“It's soggy as a wet armpit in here. How long where you in that shower abusing yourself? You pump your handle too much, young man. If you keep this up, one day it's just going to wither up and fall off!”
Beverly D'Angelo - Dark's Mom

“- Rooney: Jesus! You got here you jerked off 168 times? And it's been one month since your last confession? That's an average of...
- Williams: 5.6 times a day.
- Rooney: Oh, my God, you can't tell him that. He'll cut your balls off.”

Kevin Dillon - Rooney
Stephen Geoffreys - Williams

“Remember, boys! Stay away from women! All they want from you is your man-juice! If you ever get the kind of urges that cannot be supressed by hard liquor, then use this!
[shows his right hand]”
R. Lee Ermey - Coach

“- Judith: Ok, then. No more sex!
- Darren: What?
- Judith: You're not allowed to go down on me for a month!
[Darren is about to speak, but Judith cuts him off]
- Judith: Don't make me take away your masturbation privileges!”
Amanda Peet - Judith
Jason Biggs - Darren