“Whoa! Look at those wrinkles. What is holding this woman together?”

David Spade - Kuzco

- Keller Coleman: Do you know what people mean when they say "safe sex"?
- Keller's Grandfather: Keller, at my age there ain't no such thing. I could keel over right in the middle of it. At my age you don't worry about catchin' somethin'. You worry about finishing up in one piece.
Breckin Meyer - Keller Coleman
Wayne Tippit - Keller's Grandfather

“- John Gustafson: You're supposed to be smoking filter cigarettes.
- Grandpa Gustafson: I'm 94 years old. What the hell do I care?”
Jack Lemmon - John Gustafson
Burgess Meredith - Grandpa Gustafson

“- Dr. Lester: If I was 80 years younger, I'd box your ears.
- Craig Schwartz: I wasn't toying with her sir, I wouldn't - pardon me, how old are you, sir?
- Dr. Lester: 105. Carrot juice, lots of it. I swear, sometimes it's not worth it. I piss orange. I have to piss sitting down like a goddamn girlie-girl every fifteen minutes.”
Orson Bean - Dr. Lester
John Cusack - Craig Schwartz

“- Alex: That's quite a buffet you have there.
- Bea: Thank you, Mr. President.”

Allen Covert - Alex
Shirley Knight - Bea