“- Martin Q. Blank: I'm a professional killer.
- Paul Spericki: Do you have to do postgraduate work for that?”
John Cusack - Martin Q. Blank
Jeremy Piven - Paul Spericki

“I'm an engineer! I stopped running when Nixon was president!”
Donald Sutherland - Jerry O'Neill

“- Drix: Where did you study?
- Osmosis Jones: Study? When you grow up on the wrong side of the digestive track, you ain't got no money for no fancy schools.”
David Hyde Pierce - Drix
Chris Rock - Osmosis Jones

“People say, You must have been the class clown. And I say, No, I wasn't. But I sat next to the class clown, and I studied him.”
Eugene Levy - Dr. Allan Pearl

“All of 'em probed me, uh, not all at once, you know, individually. Later on, years later, now, even still, uh, it's a funny thing, it happened on a Sunday and every Sunday about the time I was taken on board that ship I... find I have no feelings in my buttocks.”

David Cross - UFO Expert