“It's soggy as a wet armpit in here. How long where you in that shower abusing yourself? You pump your handle too much, young man. If you keep this up, one day it's just going to wither up and fall off!”
Beverly D'Angelo - Dark's Mom

“- Rooney: Jesus! You got here you jerked off 168 times? And it's been one month since your last confession? That's an average of...
- Williams: 5.6 times a day.
- Rooney: Oh, my God, you can't tell him that. He'll cut your balls off.”

Kevin Dillon - Rooney
Stephen Geoffreys - Williams

“- Eric Bates: What do you do with... your thing?
- Jack Brown: Is this a hypothetical question or is there a lady involved?”
Scott Schwartz - Eric Bates
Richard Pryor - Jack Brown

“Madame, if you continue masturbating my driver, you are going to be a murderer.”

Howard Hesseman - McBride

“- Hannah: Could you have ruined yourself somehow?
- Mickey: How could I ruin myself?
- Hannah: I don't know. Excessive masturbation?
- Mickey: You gonna start knocking my hobbies?”

Mia Farrow - Hannah
Woody Allen - Mickey