“- Danny Noonan: I had a couple of burgers and some Cokes for lunch.
- Pat Noonan: How many Cokes?
- Danny Noonan: Four or five.
- Pat Noonan: What are you, a diabetic?
- Danny Noonan: I don't know!”
Michael O'Keefe - Danny Noonan
Ron Frank - Pat Noonan

“- Frank Detorre: I feel a little fluey.
- Bob: You know what they say; starve a cold, drown the flu. Your body needs fluids now, lots of 'em.
- Frank Detorre: Is beer fluid?”
Bill Murray - Frank Detorre
Chris Elliott - Bob

“I think the blindness is an allergic reaction to the cat and all the tea you've been drinking...”

Sean Astin - Izzy

“- Chick Boyle: You shouldn't smoke. It causes cancer of the lungs. Each one of those little cigarettes is a stick of death.
- Meg Magrath: That's what I like about it Chick, taking a drag off death. What power! What exhilaration!”
Tess Harper - Chick Boyle
Jessica Lange - Meg Magrath

“The real demonstrated #1 killer in America is cholesterol. If we want to talk numbers, how about the millions of people dying of heart attacks?”
Aaron Eckhart - Nick Naylor