“- Cindy: Girls have to do everything. Boys are totally clueless when it comes to sex. It starts with them trying to unhook our bras, fumbling around, and it never changes. Wait until they try to put their dick into you.
- Diana: Please don't say they need help with that.
- Cindy: Always.”
Kristen Miller - Cindy
Jessica Driscoll - Diana, Principal's Secretary

“I had a date with a pilot last night. Couldn't get my seat back in the upright position. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? No, you wouldn't.”
Ellen Lee DeGeneres - Janet Hall

“- Doug Remer: Your bed is over here.
[indicates a dog bed]
- Squeak Scolari: Dude, that is so fuckin' weak! How am I supposed to get a chick in that?
- Joe Cooper: Oh, don't worry, dude. You couldn't get a chick if you had a hundred dollar bill hanging out of your zipper.”
Matt Stone - Doug Remer
Dian Bachar - Squeak Scolari
Trey Parker - Joe Cooper

“- Crawford Tillinghast: I know your desires, you impotent pig!
- Dr. Edward Pretorius: We are the most powerful being in the universe!
- Crawford Tillinghast: She'll know, Edward, how pathetic you are! How you can't make love!
- Dr. Edward Pretorius: Maybe you can teach me!
- Crawford Tillinghast: Come and get me, eunuch!”
Jeffrey Combs - Crawford Tillinghast
Ted Sorel - Dr. Edward Pretorius

“- Hector Cyr: She tell you that we had sex together? So vigorous!
- Kelly Scott: I never had sex with you!
- Hector Cyr: I'm horrible in bed. They never remember.”
Oliver Platt - Hector Cyr
Bridget Fonda - Kelly Scott