“- Cara Burns: You don't have to worry because when it comes to sex, Marty is the one that wants to wait.
- Dan Burns: What part of that sentence is supposed to give me comfort?”
Britt Robertson - Cara
Steve Carrell - Dan

“Sex alleviates tension and love causes it.”
Woody Allen - Andrew

“- Cop #1: Hey, didya see that, uh, Nina Bedford show this morning?
- Cop #2: Yeah, that uh... thing about toast-fucking.
- Cop #1: ...toast-fucking?
- Cop #2: Yeah - it's the new thing where you fuck or get fucked with toast.
- Cop #1: No, the... the show this morning was about that new drug.
- Cop #2: Oh. Must have been a dream I had.”
Mark McKinney - Cop #1
Bruce McCulloch - Cop #2

“- Harry Burns: Some faceless guy rips off all your clothes, and that's the sex fantasy you've been having since you were twelve?
- Sally Albright: Well, sometimes I vary it a little.
- Harry Burns: Which part?
- Sally Albright: What I'm wearing.”
Billy Crystal - Harry Burns
Meg Ryan - Sally Albright

“Had my dream again where I'm making love, and the Olympic judges are watching. I'd nailed the compulsories, so this is it, the finals. I got a 9.8 from the Canadians, a perfect 10 from the Americans, and my mother, disguised as an East German judge, gave me a 5.6. Must have been the dismount.”
Billy Crystal - Harry Burns