“- Roy O'Bannon: So who are you?
- Chon Wang: I'm an Imperial Guard to the Emperor of China.
- Roy O'Bannon: China... what's with the book?
- Chon Wang: The book belongs to Princess Pei Pei. She was kidnapped from the Forbidden City.
- Roy O'Bannon: I like that, Forbidden City, a princess, kidnapped! It's so mysterious.”
Owen Wilson - Roy O'Bannon
Jackie Chan - Chon Wang

“- Edward D. Wood, Jr.: The story opens on these mysterious explosions. Nobody knows what's causing them, but it's upsetting all the buffalo. So, the military are called in to solve the mystery.
- Editor on Studio Lot: You forgot the octopus.
- Edward D. Wood, Jr.: No, no, I'm saving that for my big underwater climax.”
Johnny Depp - Ed Wood
Patrick Cranshaw - Editor on Studio Lot

“Amy's getting married in a few weeks and she thinks some maniac is following her around.”
Elizabeth Kemp - Nancy

“The full time observation of David Larabee is not a recognized profession. Get out of that tree.”

John Wood - Fairchild

“Oh my god, you've made the tower of Twinkie! Is that in a stalker's handbook somewhere?”

Aaron Yoo - Ronnie