“- Jan: They don't go, we win; once again, we're the best.
- Torrance Shipman: I define being the best as competing against the best there is out there and beating them. They have to go.”
Nathan West - Jan
Kirsten Dunst - Torrance Shipman

“- Dick Kelly: We have a long standing bet: who's the better golfer. Obviously I've got the bigger three wood.
- Lenore: Good. Maybe you can use it to hit your balls right into my vagina.
- Jason Kelly: Holy shit.”
Robert De Niro - Dick Kelly
Aubrey Plaza - Lenore
Zac Efron - Jason Kelly

“- Annie: Well, how many cabbies do you know get you into an argument to save you money?
- Max: If there were two of us I'd have to kill the other one. I don't like competition.”
Jada Pinkett Smith - Annie
Jamie Foxx - Max

“- Jamie Blake: We're gonna race to Connecticut and the one that wins gets a million dollars in cash.
- Tony: Only a moron would back up a race like that!”
Dean Martin - Jamie Blake
Alex Rocco - Tony

“You're sayin' the FBI's gonna pay me to learn to surf?”
Keanu Reeves - Johnny Utah