“- Christina: I got a penis in my eye.
- Courtney: Let me see.
- Christina: How is it? Is it okay?
- Courtney: Yeah, it's okay, but I think you're pregnant.”
Cameron Diaz - Christina Walters
Christina Applegate - Courtney Rockcliffe

“- Chet: Have you seen my ass lately?
- Connie: No, not recently.
- Chet: Well, I'll be picking splinters out of it from now until the day I die.”

John Candy - Chet Ripley
Stephanie Faracy - Connie Ripley

“- Timmy Moore: Did I pass the spelling test, Mrs. Greeley?
- Rudy Zolteck: Wow, Spike knocked him all the way back to second grade!”

Christopher Walberg - Timmy Moore
Michael Zwiener - Rudy Zolteck

“But sometimes you look at me like you wish I wasn't there. Like you wish I'd just disappear. And it just hurts so bad. I know I'm not easy to love ... but could you try anyway?”
Kirsten Dunst - Nicole Oakley

“Where would we be without our painful childhoods?”
Brian Cox - Dr. Finch