“Listen you bunch of butterfingered milk saps! The way you're playing you couldn't beat a girl's basketball team. We've gotta win this game! You understand?”

Groucho Marx - Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff

“- Weldon: The winner and new owner of the Coliseum, Mr. Tommy Lee! Say a few words, champ.
- Tommy Lee: The Coliseum is closed.”
Wayne Newton - Weldon
Phillip Rhee - Tommy Lee

“I had the strangest dream. I dreamt that some psychopath was trying to break the two of you up. Luckily, I woke up and I see that the world is just as it should be. For my best friend has won the best woman. I didn't buy you a gift. But this is on loan until you two find your song.”

Julia Roberts - Julianne Potter

“I hate to have to do this, but there's a speech clause in my contract. I know you guys have been reading the papers. That this is just a thing for publicity, part of my ongoing feud with Leonard Huff. But it would selfish of me to put you guys in such a jam just for publicity. No my motivation is deeper than that. It's ego.”

Scott Bakula - Gus Cantrell

“Unpopular speech is absolutely vital to the health of our nation.”
Edward Norton - Alan Isaacman