“Every night before he goes to bed, I massage his hamstrings with evaporated milk.”

Brian Haley - Mike Hammersmith

“- Michael Cromwell: You sound like an idiot.
- Richard Kempster: I'm a parent! Therefore, I'm an idiot! I have spent every day for the last 12 years worrying about my kids. About their safety, about their happiness, about their crooked teeth.”

Tim Allen - Michael Cromwell
Martin Hayter Short - Richard Kempster

“This whole thing is about parenting. It's about taking care of your children. You take care of yours, I take care of mine.”
Bruce Willis - Sonny Truelove

“Little kids buy cereal the same way grown men buy lingerie. They will buy stuff they care nothing about just to get the prize that's inside.”
Jeff Foxworthy - Jeff Foxworthy

“My parent's didn't give a shit about me. And when they did take the time to look up from their martini glasses, it was to get on my case about friends, schoolwork, all that crap.”
Jacqueline Lovell - Trix