“- Pere Mathieu - Cafe Owner: Madame, if you don't think about food, what do you think about?
- Nina Ivanovna Yakushova aka Ninotchka: The future of the common people.
- Pere Mathieu - Cafe Owner: That's also a question of food.”

Charles Judels - Pere Mathieu - Cafe Owner
Greta Garbo - Nina Ivanovna Yakushova aka Ninotchka

“- Jeff: Hi, I’m Jeff... I have a bush too. It's not grey.
- Alex: Hey!
- Jeff: What?
- Alex: My bush isn't really grey.
- Jeff: Well, not according to my mom.”
Nick Swardson - Jeff
Allen Covert - Alex

“We end up looking like a monkey fucking a football out there.”
Randy Quaid - Tim Daland

“- Female Highway Patrol Officer: Looks like we found something.
- Big John: What's that?
- Female Highway Patrol Officer: A concealed weapon.”

Leilani Sarelle - Female Highway Patrol Officer
Fred Thompson - Big John

“I loved your piece on the clitoris! I showed it to my mother!”
Daphne Zuniga - Margie Epstein