“- Chet: You bastard! You bastard!
- Roman: I think he's saying go faster.”

John Candy - Chet Ripley
Dan Aykroyd - Roman Craig

“- Girl Goosed in class: I'm a little worried... I've missed my last two periods.
- Miss McGee: That's all right, dear, you can make them up after school.
[realizes after the girl left what kind of 'periods' she meant, stares in horror]”
Janet Jones - Girl Goosed in class
Eve Arden - Miss McGee

“Krokov had a plan. It was a plan. Don't be stupid. Krokov thought you were a top agent. My defection was a ruse. To kidnap you. But now he knows you are nothing but a foolish dreamer who draws comic books, not worth the bullet to kill you.”

Barbara Carrera - Natalia

“- Tugg Speedman - Hot LZ: I killed one, Rick... the thing I love most in the world.
- Rick Peck - Peck's Office: A hooker. Oh Jesus, you killed a hooker!”

Ben Stiller - Tugg Speedman - Hot LZ
Matthew McConaughey - Rick Peck - Peck's Office

“I had misinterpreted their interest in the story: the next caravan of merchants that crossed the Gobi Desert was captured by them, and... crucified.”

Emmett Corrigan - Bishop Harkness