“- Alan: I was so upset when my grandpa died.
- Phil: How'd he die?
- Alan: World War II.
- Phil: Died in battle?
- Alan: No, he was skiing in Vermont, it was just during World War II.”
Zach Galifianakis - Alan
Bradley Cooper - Phil

“- Demetrius Hicks: Why are you still alive and your homies are dead?
- Overdose: I was in the attic.
- Demetrius Hicks: Doin' what?
- Overdose: Hidin'.
- Demetrius Hicks: What kind of coward shit is that, man?”

Larenz Tate - Demetrius Hicks
Malieek Straughter - Overdose

“- Richard Temple: Wise man. Oysters can kill, you know.
- Durward Lely: Oh, unquestionably!
- Richard Temple: I had an aunt, choked on a scallop at Herne Bay.
- Durward Lely: Really?
- Richard Temple: Tragic.”

Timothy Spall - Richard Temple
Kevin McKidd - Durward Lely

“- Roger: You're not going to die.
- Sherlock Holmes: I'm 93.
- Roger: I had a great-uncle who lived to be 102.
- Sherlock Holmes: Well done. That seals my fate. What are the odds that you would know two men who would live that long?”
Milo Parker - Roger
Sir Ian McKellen - Sherlock Holmes

“My father, your son... Holy cannoli, you are my sister!”
Dana Carvey - Pistachio Disguisey