“- Susan Morton: Hey honey, how was school?
- Carson Morton: The only girl who talked to me also talked to herself
- Susan Morton: Oh see, I always told you you were special. You are the most interesting person other than her.”
Nancy Travis - Susan Morton
Jamie Renée Smith - Carson Morton

“- Jane Spencer: I feel like such a fool. I should have never doubted you.
- Lt. Frank Drebin: There, there. You had no way of knowing the man you were dating was a vicious, murdering sociopath.”
Priscilla Presley - Jane Spencer
Leslie William Nielsen - Frank Drebin

“- Anne: Didn't you say that what you liked about our relationship is that we didn't have to think? We could just be there for each other.
- Jack: Suicidal paranoiacs'll say anything to get laid.”
Mercedes Ruehl - Anne
Jeff Bridges - Jack

“I don't deal with psychos. I put them away.”
Sylvester Stallone - Lieutenant Marion 'Cobra' Cobretti

“- Bill Smith: The first rule is: Never sleep with anyone who's crazier than you are. I don't know if you're crazier, but you're right up there on the top 10 of my weird list, lady.
- Louise Baltimore: If you knew me better, I'd be number one.”
Kris Kristofferson - Bill Smith
Cheryl Ladd - Louise Baltimore