“- David Shaw: We're in love, sir.
- Steven Taylor: That's it? You steal the crown jewel of a man's soul, and your only excuse is some candy ass Hallmark card sentiment? Even if it were true, that's not good enough!”

Viggo Mortensen - David Shaw
Michael Douglas - Steven Taylor

“- Dr. Ben Sobel: Why do you have a girlfriend?
- Paul Vitti: I do things with her I can't do with my wife.
- Dr. Ben Sobel: Why can't you do them with your wife?
- Paul Vitti: That's the mouth she kisses my kids goodnight with! What are you, crazy?”
Billy Crystal - Dr. Ben Sobel
Robert De Niro - Paul Vitti

“What is wrong with a man wanting his wife and his wife's best friend to lick his dick at the same time?”
Coati Mundi - Caller #8 - Martin

“- Alley Thug: You're real cool for somebody who's about to take a bullet.
- Joe Hallenbeck: After fucking your wife I'll take two.”
Badja Djola - Alley Thug
Bruce Willis - Joe Hallenbeck

“- Dave: You slept with my wife!
- Theo: You slept with me, too! And I've had confused feelings about that for ten years now!”
Matt Besser - Dave
Chris Parnell - Theo