“- Real Toby: I think one might be lime. One might be like mint.
- Real Harvey: You can tell that by just looking at them?
- Real Toby: Not me. I have to put it in my mouth first.”

Toby Radloff - Real Toby
Harvey Pekar - Real Harvey

“If a pretzel is a quality pretzel, it doesn't need salt. It's just a fact.”
Christopher Walken - J-Man

“I don't see how pork chops could lead to intercourse, no matter how good they are.”
Ian Michael Smith - Simon Birch

“Don't know why anybody'd eat unsalted butter. Might as well eat Vaseline. Got about as much flavor.”
Irma P. Hall - Aunt T.

“- Luke Davenport: What are you doing?
- Sam Simms: I'm doing my job, keepin' you alive, I'm testing your food.
- Luke Davenport: But why do you always test my cookies?”
Brock Pierce - Luke Davenport
Sinbad - Sam Simms