“- Joan: Sex is something men and women do to make a baby.
- Kid #3: Are you a virgin?
- Joan: No.
- Kid #3: Do you have a baby?
- Joan: No. People who don't want babies also have sex.
- Kid #3: What for?
- Joan: For about 10 or 15 minutes.”
Elizabeth Perkins - Joan
Heath Wagerman - Kid #3

“All women have a garden, and a garden needs a big hose to water it... or a small hose... as long as it works.”

Bonnie Hunt - Mrs. DeWitt

“- Joe Grasso: What do you think would happen if I got him a professional... you know...
- Bill Maplewood: A professional?
- Joe Grasso: Hooker. You know, the kind that can teach things... first-timers, you know... break him in.
- Bill Maplewood: But Joe, he's 11.
- Joe Grasso: You're right, you're right. It's too late.”
Dan Moran - Joe Grasso
Dylan Baker - Bill Maplewood

“- Doug Bigelow: Roger, you were underwater in that Jacuzzi for five straight minutes.
- Roger Mortis: That's right, I was.
- Doug Bigelow: Can you teach my girlfriend how to do that?”
Joe Piscopo - Doug Bigelow
Treat Williams - Roger Mortis

“Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule.”
Ginnifer Goodwin - Gigi