“- Melissa Robinson: Ace get out of the tank.
- Ace Ventura: I just can't do it captain, I don't have the power!”
Courteney Cox - Melissa Robinson

“Scandal and disease, Max.”

Nora Dunn - Lutetia Fairbanks

“- Nina: We have to make him quit. If we get naked pictures of him and pictures of farm animals, I could photoshop them.
- Maria Kelly: That's an excellent idea!”
Heather Burns - Nina
Kristin Chenoweth - Maria Kelly

“- Lola Burns: How do you think I enjoy reading all that scandal that hasn't an ounce of truth in it?
- Space Hanlon: I've told you, sugar, it isn't what you like to read. It's what the public likes to read.”
Jean Harlow - Lola Burns
Lee Tracy - Space Hanlon

“Children! Running around, all hours of the night! When you kids grow up, you'll be living in the Soviet Union of America!”

Harry Shearer - G. Gordon Liddy