“- Jonah Baldwin: Will she scratch up your back?
- Sam Baldwin: [shocked] What?
- Jonah Baldwin: In the movies, women are always scratching up the men's back and screaming and stuff when they're having sex.”
Ross Malinger - Jonah Baldwin
Tom Hanks - Sam Baldwin

“There are certain rules that one must abide by in order to successfully survive a horrormovie. For instance, number one: you can never have sex.”
Jamie Kennedy - Randy

“- Lisa: How could you have sex with all of those women?
- Joe Young: I didn't it was a stunt cock.
- Lisa: A stunt cock? So you aren't touching all of those women's breasts?
- Joe Young: No they're all just special effects.”
Robyn Lynne Raab - Lisa
Trey Parker - Joe Young

- Nick: Great movie!
- Edward "Eddie" Tor Swenson: "Great movie"? Ninety minutes of condensed sex and violence - do you call that a "great movie"? Do you have the slightest idea of what the moral and ethical principle is?
- Nick: Hey man, relax! You shouldn't take things too seriously.
Per Löfberg - Nick
Johan Rudebeck - Edward "Eddie" Tor Swenson

“- Officer Richard Lymangood: All those people. What do you suppose they're all doing down there?
- Officer Frank Murphy: Well, according to the latest statistics, about 1 million, 775 thousand of them are... getting it on!
- Officer Richard Lymangood: That many, eh!
- Officer Frank Murphy: The rest are waiting for 'Laverne and Shirley'!”

Daniel Stern - Officer Richard Lymangood
Roy Scheider - Officer Frank Murphy