“Stay the fuck away from the girl, or else I'll beat you with my nut sack!”
Phil Schmeidel - Billy

“- Wanda Gershwitz: I thought you weren't jealous?
- Otto: I'm not. I don't believe in jealousy, it's for the weak. One thing though. Touch his dick and he's dead!”
Jamie Lee Curtis - Wanda Gershwitz
Kevin Kline - Otto

“- Lou Fimple: One more thing, lover boy...
- Deborah Anne Fimple: Oh, God.
- Lou Fimple: Get her pregnant, I'll blow your dick off.”

Fred Ward - Lou Fimple
Kelly Preston - Deborah Anne Fimple

“- Hardcase Williams: Hey! Be careful with those scissors.
- Marguerita Ventura: Okay big boy, one move out of you, one lie, and I'll be wearing your jinglebobs for earrings. Nod if you follow my drift.”

Geoffrey Lewis - Hard Case Williams
Lainie Kazan - Marguerita Ventura

“- Leigh Anne Tuohy: Michael, I want you to have a good time but if you get a girl pregnant out of wedlock, I will crawl into the car, drive up to Oxford and cut off your penis.
- S.J. Tuohy: She means it.”
Sandra Bullock - Leigh Anne Tuohy
Jae Head - S.J. Tuohy