“I had to go to four different stores to buy four different kinds of formula. Three different kinds of diapers, bottles, towels, you have no idea how much crap these kids need.”
Tom Selleck - Peter Mitchell

“She was only technically a girl, she acted like a woman. It's just so easy to blame a kid. Just because a girl knows how to imitate a woman does not mean she's ready to do what a woman does.”
Ellen Page - Hayley Stark

“- Abby: It's... Charlie.
- Santa Claus: Sheen? I thought he straightened out?
- Abby: Not that Charlie.
- Santa Claus: My Charlie. My son Charlie? He's on the naughty list? There's gotta be a mistake.”

Danielle Woodman - Abby
Tim Allen - Santa Claus

“My parents used to beat the living shit out of me, okay? And I'm glad they did, and I'm looking forward to beating the shit out of my kids!”

Denis Colin Leary - Himself

“You know, when you have kids to raise, you yell.”

Jessica Walter - Fern