“- Kenny Hampson: I watched you tonight. You liked him.
- Alana Maxwell: No. Kenny, you're better than he is. I'm sure you're better than he is.
- Kenny Hampson: I am. He didn't know how to cut a woman into pieces.”

Derek McKinnon - Kenny Hampson
Jamie Lee Curtis - Alana

“Have you ever heard of Harry Houdini? Well he wasn't like today's magicians who are only interested in television ratings. He was an artist. He could make an elephant disappear in the middle of a theater filled with people, and do you know how he did that? Misdirection.”
John Travolta - Gabriel

“- Anthony Adams: Kumar, what were you doing in the freezer?
- Kumar: I don't know, man, I lose my touch, man.
- Dignan: Did you ever have a touch to lose, man?”
Luke Wilson - Anthony Adams
Kumar Pallana - Kumar
Owen Wilson - Dignan

“Sweet princess, if through this wicked witches trick a spindle should your finger prick, a ray of hope there still may be in this, the gift I give at thee. Not in death but just in sleep the fateful prophecy you'll keep, and from this slumber you shall wake when true love's kiss the spell shall break.”
Barbara Luddy - Merryweather

“The problem with elves is they ain't got no meat on their bones. You gotta get yourself a nice 250 pound dwarf, with hair on her chin you can hang on to!”
Lee Arenberg - Elwood Gutworthy