- Jeff Dunham: Walter, what exactly is marriage to you?
- Walter: It's like drinking a slurpy.
- Jeff Dunham: A slurpy.
- Walter: First couple of sips, it's like "boy this is really good! I'm glad I did this!". Then you keep drinking, it goes right to your head, and you go "ow, ow, ooooow! What the hell was I thinking? Someone kill me please!".
Jeff Dunham - Himself
Jeff Dunham - Walter

“I just say what I feel and regret it later.”
Portia Doubleday - Nate

“- Philip Edwards: Sometimes the shepherd needs the comfort of the sheep.
- Elena Hood: I'm going to try hard not to understand the implications of that.”
Michael Cumpsty - Philip Edwards
Joan Allen - Elena Hood

“My mother always said my sister was like wood. As rooted to the Earth as a sakura tree. But she told me I was like water. Water can carve its way through stone. And when trapped, water makes a new path.”
Shizuko Hoshi - Sayuri Narration

“In every relationship, there's a bull and a cow. It just so happens that in this relationship, right here with me and you, I'm the bull, you're the cow.”

Ben Affleck - Larry Gigli