“- Scott Calvin: You know, you look pretty good for your age.
- Elf-Judy: Thanks, but I'm seeing someone in wrapping.”
Tim Allen - Scott Calvin
Paige Tamada - Elf-Judy

“- Scott Calvin: Hey, kid, kid... who's in charge here?
- Elf-Larry: You are, and I'm not a kid, I have pointy shoes that are older than you... I'm an elf.”
Tim Allen - Scott Calvin
Joshua Satok - Elf-Larry

“What if I told you insane was working fifty hours a week in some office for fifty years... at the end of which they tell you to piss off? Ending up in some retirement village... hoping to die before suffering the indignity of trying to make it to the toilet on time. Wouldn't you consider that to be insane?”
Steve Buscemi - Garland 'The Marietta Mangler' Greene

“- Ed: And that's Otis, he's 77-years-old and worked here longer than anyone.
- Otis: I should've died years ago.”

Kel Mitchell - Ed
Abe Vigoda - Otis

“A lot of people think this is just a job that you go to. Take a lunch hour... job's over. Something like that. But it's a 24-hour deal. No two ways about it. And what most people don't see... is just how hard it is to do the right thing.”

John C. Reilly - Officer Jim Kurring